I found out that I didn’t know how to handle my emotions, and that was the main reason I drank and drugged — to “change the way I feel.”  Now here’s my point;  I had to learn how to feel, good AND bad feelings, without trying to change how I felt or trying to run from my emotions, but to be ok with feeling not only good, but ‘bad’ too.  It took a lot of work and some time, as I not only didn’t know how to handle emotions, but I didn’t *feel* like other people feel.  I had learned over many years to avoid my feelings, my emotions, so much so that when I didn’t have any way to numb the feelings, I was lost.  I had no clue how to ‘feel’, much less how to express those feelings and deal with them, so I had some work to do.  I was blessed in early recovery to be placed in a treatment center which had a group called, “Emotional Incarceration”, which helped people like me who’s emotions were ‘locked-up’ inside themselves.  This group taught me how to be ‘freed’ emotionally, and walked me through the ‘breaking-free’ process.  It wasn’t easy, but in some time and a lot of work I ‘escaped’ the literal imprisonment of my emotions.  Today I feel the whole rainbow of emotions, good AND ‘bad’, without having to try to either change my feelings or run from them.  Thus, I had entered what I now call “real recovery”.  This, along with building a relationship with a God of my understanding, namely Jesus Christ (for me), and today I know what it means to be truly “clean and sober” and “living life on life’s terms”.

I have a problem, however, with what I’ve learned and experienced in this “Recovery”, and that is, I see many, many people who have put away the drink and drugs and claim to be, and even believe they are, truly “in recovery”.  I see so many people who still, after years of not using drugs or alcohol, don’t know how to handle their emotions in anything like a mature fashion, but instead find a million other ways to “change the way they feel” or “run from their emotions”.  Personally, I don’t believe they are really “in recovery”, but only exchanging one ‘addiction’ for another.  In fact, I’ve come to believe that the answer to my title question, “Recovery from What?” is — recovery from not being able to handle ALL emotions, good AND bad  (note, I call emotions ‘bad’, but I don’t believe there are any ‘bad’ emotions, only emotions we don’t like).  Thus, these people, in my opinion, are not “in recovery” at all — but  still in active addiction.  They’ve only changed ‘drugs’, so to speak, and changed what they use to “change the way they feel”, and/or “run from emotions.”

I have a close friend who, though this person claims many years of “recovery”, has never learned how to handle ‘bad’, or negative emotions.  If they don’t “feel good”, if an activity, event, person or situation causes them to “feel bad”, they either find a way, an activity of some kind, to change the way they feel, or they run from the event, person or situation, or push that away and deny it exists and even blame it on someone else that they ‘feel bad’ — but they DO NOT handle negative emotions within.  This, in my opinion, is active addiction.  Thus, again in my opinion, they are not truly “in recovery” at all, but only denying their other addictions while they continue to “use” — only not using drugs or alcohol, but instead they use food, sleeping, people and activities that cause them to ‘feel good’, and a whole world of ‘addictions’ besides chemicals.  In my opinion, they are lying every time they claim to themselves or others that they are “in recovery”, but they certainly wont listen to this idea, because it “doesn’t feel good”.  A sad fact of this person’s life, is that they have managed to convince all the people around them that they are “happy, joyous and free from addiction” and “in recovery”.  People around them, after all, only see what this person wants them to see, and this person has made it a fine ‘art’ through a lot of practice, to put on a facade to the world, and even to themselves, which enables them to remain in denial of the fact that this person has no “real recovery”.

I want to “live life on life’s terms”, including *feeling* all of the emotions, good AND ‘bad’, without having to use anything or anyone to “change the way I feel”, and without having to “run from my emotions”.  To me, THIS is what “real recovery” is all about!  So, in answer to my original question, it is my own opinion, belief and experience that, “Recovery from What?” — is recovery from the need to change the way I feel or run from my emotions.

What about you — what do you think — what have you experienced — what is your opinion.  I’d love to hear it, so PLEASE “SHARE”!

Basic Text, pp. 10–11

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Very few of us arrive in NA brimming with willingness.  Some of us are here because we are court-ordered to attend.  Some have come to save our families.  Some come in an effort to salvage a career teetering on the brink of ruin.  It doesn’t matter why we are here.  It only matters that we are.

We have heard it said that “if we bring the body, the mind will follow.”  We may come to meetings with a chip on our shoulders.  We may be one of those who sits in the back of the rooms with our arms folded across our chest, glaring threateningly at anyone who approaches us.  Perhaps we leave before the final prayer.

But if we keep coming back, we find that our minds begin to open up.  We start to drop our guard, and begin to really listen when others share.  We may even hear someone talking with whom we can relate.  We begin the process of change.

After some time in NA, we find that more than our minds have arrived in our meeting rooms.  More importantly, our hearts have arrived, too.  After that happens, the miracles really begin!

Just another day clean and sober?  I’ve “been around” (in recovery) for many years now.  Each and every day when I awake I spend time in prayer and meditation, as I was taught in my first few weeks of recovery. I’ve been practicing this every single morning, and haven’t missed a day yet, but I say that not to ‘brag’ or ‘boast’, but to say that it’s now just a solid part of my day. I don’t really think about it any more — I just do it, as ‘religiously’ as I brush my teeth. There are other things throughout the day that I do to aid my recovery, that I’ve also been doing every day, one of which is in prayer, I always thank God (as I understand Him) for “another day”.  In fact, that’s exactly how I word it in prayer — “Thank you, Lord, for another day.”  I don’t add the words “clean and sober”, because I mean more to my thanks giving than ‘just’ to be clean and sober, but isn’t that enough?  It is for this addict/alcoholic!  I’m thankful for ‘just another day clean and sober’, but I’m also thankful for another day — period.

As I mentioned, I’ve been clean and sober a number of years and I’ve been doing pretty much the same things for my recovery from the day I awoke in a detox-unit “clean and sober” until now.  But this brings about my point of topic — after some years, I’m not sure where in there this happens, but it’s easy to become complacent and think of recovery more as “just another day”, then to think of it as it is — a gift of incredible grace by the God we understand — or don’t understand, as the case may be — and for many of us, if it hadn’t been for His grace we’d not have lived this long.  I need, for my own recovery, my “attitude of gratitude”, my mental, emotional and spiritual well-being to always remember that fact.  Being clean and sober, and alive, for ‘just one more day’ is something I need to remain grateful for and never forget or become complacent with.  Personally I’m afraid that if I were to become complacent or in any way take for granted that I am clean, sober and ALIVE for one more day, I might also forget that I can’t take just one drug or one drink — and soon lose it all.

They say, “A grateful addict (or alcoholic — as if there’s a difference) will never use (or drink).”  I don’t know for sure if that’s true, and to be honest I don’t want to find out, but I’m reminded of a book my father used to have that sat on the end of a bookcase with the title showing, which read, “If it aint broke — don’t fix it.”  That’s how I ‘work’ my recovery.  I was taught certain things early in recovery (also for which I’m thankful), such as to start every day in prayer and meditation, and I still practice that today.  I never get up in the morning without a time of prayer and meditation (I call it, “having coffee with God”), and I also never have this time of prayer without saying, “Thank you, Lord, for another day.”  Each and every time I say that, I’m reminded deep within that God lifted me up out of ‘hell’, as a camper might lift-up a smoldering marshmallow out of the fire before it bursts into flames. I know not ‘why me’, but this is a question I don’t spend much time pondering, and instead simply bask in the gratitude inside my soul for having been one of His chosen.  For this I’m grateful!

My brother, 10 years my senior, died of this disease when I was between 3 and 4 years clean.  He never used drugs, per se, but drank like I did — which eventually caused his body to shut-down and, while sitting on the floor of his humble apartment, a hard-boiled egg and empty shell of another on one side of him, and a 1.75 liter bottle of whiskey on the other.  Yet myself not only an alcoholic who drank in like manor, but a heavy-duty drug addict to boot, sits typing this message today — why? — I have no idea, but am EXTREMELY grateful!

What do you do to maintain your recovery, and how do you keep yourself from becoming complacent in having “another day Clean –n– Sober”?

Thanks for letting me share!

Nothing in the Bible remotely suggests the idea that we should seek “happiness.”

But there is plenty written about seeking holiness: “Pursue holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord… like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves in all your behavior.” (Hebrews 12:14; 1 Peter 1:15)

While many blithely pursue the life depicted on “Fantasy Island,” a battle is raging between the forces of heaven and hell — between good and evil. It is here that Satan seeks to destroy us while God is preparing us for eternity. It is here that either godly character is being forged, or souls are in the process of destruction. Hardly a place for “happiness.”

“The whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth… waiting eagerly for our adoption… the redemption of our body.” (Romans 8:22, 23)

The pursuit of “happiness” is centered in self and has about it a kind of Disneyesque surrealism. Surrounded as we are by struggling humanity in the abyss of misery and devastation, chatting about “happiness” seems a tad trite. Consider King Solomon’s poignant observation:

“It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting… to listen to the rebuke of a wise man than… to listen to the song of fools.” (Ecclesiastes 7:2, 5)

Paradoxically, it is only out of a life of holiness and service centered on glorifying God that we experience purpose, meaning, and fulfillment.

Note Isaiah 58:10, 11:

“And if you give yourself to the hungry, and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness, and your gloom will become like midday. And the Lord will… satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.”

If “happiness” were achievable in the wealthiest nation on earth, why then are we plagued by boredom, crime, drugs, the murder of the unborn, teenage pregnancy, and divorce? It is my suspicion that Satan has been less than truthful to us in holding out the carrot of “happiness.” What do you think? 

Nothing in the Bible remotely suggests the idea that we should seek “happiness.”

But there is plenty written about seeking holiness: “Pursue holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord… like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves in all your behavior.” (Hebrews 12:14; 1 Peter 1:15)

While many blithely pursue the life depicted on “Fantasy Island,” a battle is raging between the forces of heaven and hell — between good and evil. It is here that Satan seeks to destroy us while God is preparing us for eternity. It is here that either godly character is being forged, or souls are in the process of destruction. Hardly a place for “happiness.”

“The whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth… waiting eagerly for our adoption… the redemption of our body.” (Romans 8:22, 23)

The pursuit of “happiness” is centered in self and has about it a kind of Disneyesque surrealism. Surrounded as we are by struggling humanity in the abyss of misery and devastation, chatting about “happiness” seems a tad trite. Consider King Solomon’s poignant observation:

“It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting… to listen to the rebuke of a wise man than… to listen to the song of fools.” (Ecclesiastes 7:2, 5)

Paradoxically, it is only out of a life of holiness and service centered on glorifying God that we experience purpose, meaning, and fulfillment.

Note Isaiah 58:10, 11:

“And if you give yourself to the hungry, and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness, and your gloom will become like midday. And the Lord will… satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.”

If “happiness” were achievable in the wealthiest nation on earth, why then are we plagued by boredom, crime, drugs, the murder of the unborn, teenage pregnancy, and divorce? It is my suspicion that Satan has been less than truthful to us in holding out the carrot of “happiness.” What do you think?

Early in my recovery my Sponsor guided me in this direction of the turn of the calendar, in order to use this time of year for my own growth. Each year I’ve done the same, emotionally stirring, thought-process, and each year I’m thankful.

Making it through another year clean and sober, to me, is purely a gift of God for which I’m extremely thankful, and I marvel at the fact that someone like me could possibly stay clean and sober for a whole year — not to mention the number.

Today I reflect — and would love to hear of your own reflection.

2009 was not an easy year for me, as many emotional struggles arose this year, but each came and went without picking up — “But by the Grace of God!”  Today is ‘New Years Day’ — a day of genesis - a day of new beginnings. An appropriate day to ‘begin’ posting in ~CLEAN-n-SyBER~. I’ve spent a great deal of time and effort this year trying to put together a ‘Community website’, with little success and a great deal of failures along the way. I’ve had much emotional turmoil this year, and it seems to be a turning point in my life. It’s almost as though my ‘old life’ — not the life of addictions, but the life I had since I’ve been in recovery — draws to an end, and I’ve been in a “wilderness” period between ‘old’ and ‘new’ . I hope for a better year in 2010, as financial struggles have been enormous this past year, socially it’s been a ‘dry spell’ for me, and spiritually — well, God and I have had some rough times and some good times, but not the most spiritual year thus far, though that too seems to be changing.

Recovery — I once heard it said — is like a “Roller Coaster Ride” — so you better put on your seatbelt and hold on, because you’re in for the ride of your life!

I’ve found this to be oh-so-true! — What about you?

How was your 2009 — and what do you foresee, hope for and/or even ‘plan’ for in 2010?
(I use the word ‘plan’ with some humor, for I often say, “If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.”)

Jesus has a wonderful way of restoring us when we fail Him! He does not humiliate us. He does not criticize us. He does not ask us to make a resolution to try harder. Rather, He takes us aside and asks us to reaffirm our love for Him.

Peter miserably failed his Lord when he fled with the other disciples from the Garden of Gethsemane. Later, he publicly denied that he even knew Jesus. Peter must have wondered if he had been capable of being Jesus’ disciple when he was unfaithful to Jesus in His most crucial hour.

As we begin a new year, we may be painfully aware that we have failed our Lord in many ways. Perhaps we were not faithful. Perhaps we disobeyed His word to us. Perhaps we denied Him by the way we lived. Jesus will take us aside, as He did Peter. He will not berate us. He will not humiliate us. He will ask us to examine our love for Him. He asked Peter, “Do you love Me?” If our answer, like Peter’s, is “Yes, Lord,” He will reaffirm His will for us. If we truly love Him, we will obey Him (John 14:15). Jesus does not need our resolutions, our recommitments, or our promises to try harder this year. If our resolve to obey God last year did not help us to be faithful, it will not make us successful this year. Jesus asks for our love. If we truly love Him, our service for Him in the new year will be of the quality that He desires.

We need to know and remember how God feels about us:

We are “majestic” in His eyes (Literally: excellent, glorious, mighty, worthy)

We are the source of all His delight (Psalm 16:3)

Zephaniah 3:17 puts it this way:

The Lord is with us.

He takes great delight in us.

He will quiet us with His love.

He rejoices over us with singing

Of us He says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love.” (Jeremiah 31:3) He has always loved us! Even before we were conceived!

Yes, I know we are ‘sinners’. That is not new information. But in His eyes our problem with sin has nothing to do with our intrinsic worth. If your daughter contracts cancer, her worth is not diminished in your eyes, is it?

As the kids say, “God don’t make no junk.” The truth is that “you are fearfully and wonderfully made… skillfully wrought”: God’s marvelous creation! (Psalm 139:14, 15) In fact, “while we were sinners” — scuzzball rebels, many of us — Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8) Before we cleaned up our act, He crawled up on that cross for us. Is there a more forceful demonstration of unconditional love?… Of our worth to Him?

So, this week as you enter the shark infested waters of the world, keep in mind the fact that you are

A CHILD OF THE KING. A PERSON OF INFINITE, ETERNAL WORTH!

Have a Blessed New Year in 2010!